Recognizing & Surviving Parental Alienation
There are several articles and websites you can find on Parental Alienation and there is so much information that as survivors or those plunged into PA, do not or cannot understand. I am a survivor, which is why I write. I hope to connect with at least some. For me, I've read many of the articles, but few seemed to speak directly into my experience. The articles I've read speak of PA happening AFTER or during a separation. I didn't realize mine happened almost immediately upon the birth of my children...specifically my first born son. I found over time, not only was my spouse and her family practicing the denigration about me, but so were some of my own family. My first born son was 20 when I divorced my spouse, as I wheeled with, was my decision (made over time and pain) right. It was after this process I began to realize and find out about Parental Alienation (PA), I never knew existed. The depth of the pain for the alienated parent can be catastrophic, and lead to suicide or hopelessness, which the alienator and the alienated child and church folks lead to the wrong agreement that...the alienated parent did have a mental issue. Often times, the mental issue only shows up after an elongated period of time, trauma and complete disregard for their place of relationship to their child(ren). In other words, it is the alienator who has and is causing mental anguish and emotionally abusing the alienated...however, also the child(ren). The alienated suffers, but the child(ren) suffer more...and the alienated see it. Their pain is often not for themselves, but for the child(ren). There are many definitions, but few "solutions" to the pain without much time and limited help, because you can't find anyone who will walk with you during this dark time...who understands. Experience can often be more helpful than counseling, but neither should be dismissed, because sometimes we diagnose ourselves wrongly.
That said, I want you to look over this list. I'll put at the bottom the things I saw, if only after the pains I took to stay in my marriage and be Dad.
Taken from: https://janetmccullar.com/blog/examples-of-parental-alienation/ written Sept 5, 2019 by "The Custody Lawyer by Janet McCullar:
What Are Examples of Parental Alienation?
There are many examples of parental alienation. The most common signs are listed below. They include:
Giving your child a choice as to whether or not to visit the other parent.
Putting up resistance, or outright refusing to allow you to have access to your child’s medical and/or school records, extracurricular schedules, etc.
Giving your child explicit details about your marriage and/or divorce and the reasons for the divorce. Generally, the alienating parent will blame the other parent for the breakdown of the marriage.
Putting blame about any financial problems on the other parent, the changes in the family lifestyle, breaking up the marriage, and/or having a new partner.
Choosing not to be flexible with the visitation schedule in response to your child’s needs, or scheduling. Or, the alienating parent may place your child in so many activities that you don’t get the time to visit with your child.
Requiring your child to choose between you and your ex-spouse.
Using your child to spy on you or gather any information regarding your life after the divorce.
Acting hurt or sad when your child has a good time visiting with you.
Making demands upon you that are contrary to the orders of the court.
Listening in on your telephone calls between you and your child.
Putting temptations in front of your child that interfere with your visitation.
Badmouthing you in front of your child. This includes calling you derogatory names.
Filing allegations of child abuse with the court, and/or constantly dragging you to court over child support or alimony.
Not letting your child visit with your extended family such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other family members.
Putting up obstacles to you and your child communicating. This includes blocking you from reviewing school and/or medical records.
Refusing to disclose their address.
Failing to notify you regarding any medical, educational, or other events regarding your child.
Continuously not enforcing visitation with you, claiming your child doesn’t want to see you.
Making your child feel responsible for your or your ex-spouse’s happiness, sometimes to the point your child is protective over the alienating parent as if they were a child.
Discussing and/or involving your child in child support, court hearings, or other legal matters your child shouldn’t be involved in.
Hanging up on telephone calls if those calls don’t fit into the alienating parent’s agenda.
Refusing to communicate with you using fax, email, etc. so there isn’t any evidence of a paper trail.
Feeling it’s their right to show up late for your visitation, but insisting that your child must be returned exactly on time.
Making your child feel guilty if your child expresses that they want to see you.
Instructing your child’s school that you are not to be trusted, interfering, or clearly saying that you have lied to others about them and your child, including placing notes in school files about not allowing you to pick up your child.
Trying to completely control your child’s social life.
Lying to your child about the divorce, including giving them details that are untrue and impede your child’s ability to love you.
Telling your child that you are abusing, stalking, and/or harassing them to the point of involving the police. This could go as far as the alienating parent filing false allegations of abuse and/or filing complaints with social services.
Encouraging your child not to follow the rules at your home.
If you give a gift to your child, the alienating parent may refuse to allow it in their home or forbid them to keep it.
Refusing to allow them to take their pet on a visitation with you, even if you are happy to have the pet.
Trying to bribe, extort or threaten you into signing court documents that exclude you from your child’s life or do something to enhance the alienating parent’s position.
The alienating parent may physically or psychologically try to rescue your child when there isn’t any threat to the child’s safety.
Encouraging your child to be angry with you.
Encouraging your child to lie to the authorities about how they are treated while with you, even if there isn’t any evidence.
Removing money from your child’s bank account given by you, and not allowing your child to spend it, or the alienating parent hasn’t spent it on your child.
The bullet points I can relate to are Highlighted and those that are not I can say, are within reason, have been used. As I said, all of this I did not see till well after the separation and still could not believe till I endured a lot of the pain and my children not having anything to do with me...even to today. Much of this has been used and perpetrated by the church as well. However, with that, I want to encourage you to never let go of God, in fact, dig your nails into His flesh and let Him reveal Himself...to you while the other may be a church goer...YOU...BE THE CHURCH and LOVE. That said, let's move on. We'll go a little deeper.
Even when my youngest (son) went into the Army, he did not provide me his address and his mother had it. It was not until she was going to look like she was withholding the address in front of others that she wrote it down for me. Then she offered it was though she was doing me a favor. Now, I want to give you a couple of websites for your review and perhaps use if you feel inclined to use them...or offer them to your attorney if you are presently going through this very difficult time. You, will not be able to prove to the court without expert testimony or witness. This is something foreign to many courts/judges and justice systems in the world, let alone the U.S.A. Here are two I've found that seemed best suited to my own researching. https://expertpages.com/experts.php/parental_alienation_syndrome_georgia.htm?fbclid=IwAR1QEHUhWs195dfMzWHlvWrNm3q48dLmEKgmK8diyg5EkOvtdUCkYDhJUlc
and
To Note, I have not used any of the services listed and I will explain that shortly.
Again, I did not see or understand any of this till after being exposed to the pain and reality of it. When I finally, after 27 years of marriage applied for divorce, I thought it was because this is just the way things go sometimes. You know, kids grow up and become difficult or side with someone else and you want to believe and trust and you do...because YOU love, thinking the other loves you. But in reflection, the innuendo's of demeaning instructions that..."you don't have to do what he says" followed by..."do it", MY way, implying he doesn't know what he's doing: and "don't ask him, ask my dad". Here let me say, this is not a he/she thing...it is whoever is doing the alienating. While we dismiss what we deem religious, such as a Jezebel spirit or other such realities, we must be careful to acknowledge them as real, while seeking our own solutions. The "religious" dismiss the psychology and sometimes, rightfully so, and the psychology dismiss' the religious and sometimes, rightfully so. Look at it as a whole, not dismissing one or the other. Here is a website I recently found and am in communication with: https://wefixbrains.com/counseling-specialties/parental-alienation-counseling/
It is said that time heals all wounds. I've found that to be somewhat of a lie as it must be accompanied by effort to relearn that we are valuable all by ourselves, even though we find great delight in valuing others, especially our own children. As for me, I've found being perfected in God's love, this has becoming unnervingly necessary...to love those who hate me and pray for those who despitefully use me...which I don't account to my children especially, and over time, while still not trusting my ex, to account her for this pain. I release her, forgive her, but it has been over 7years now and I had to learn it and I am certain, am still learning. I pray...YOU do not let go of God, or that YOU...turn to God through Jesus Christ who lived among us, was crucified for all sin...including mine...and hers and rose again. As I like to say...Love IS the answer, Repentance is the Call.
If this has blessed you or if you need to reach out, please let me know.
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